Hello, Void.

"Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life - well, valuable, but small - and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? ...I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void."

-Kathleen Kelly, You've Got Mail


I feel as if I've drastically changed in the two years I've attended Bryan College.  I hesitate to say that I'm a better person now - I've made mistakes and choices that I never would have even thought about four years ago.  I'm a different person.  And today, sitting in my little safe haven of Harmony House once again (Luke diligently studying Western Civ across from me, a coffee mug in my own hand), I feel as if I'm being bombarded by this different me.  The image that comes to mind is a small child hugging his knees in the dark, being confronted in his dreams by an unknown and scary person, but this time that person is me.  Who is this man?  What does he love?  What does he hate?  Where is he going?  What is his Purpose?

Bend and tear,

Break and wear,

Vicarious pain,

Nothing plain:

Decisions.

I know I have time to make the life choices that seem to shake the foundations of the beloved building in which I now sit.  People tell me I have time quite often.  But how much time do I have to figure out who I am?  The person I am is not waiting on me to decide how I will act or who I will be.  He runs rampant on the world and community around me, influencing people constantly.  Very few people remain unhurt by him.  By Me.  And one of the people who understands him (better than I do myself) asked me today "We complain about life screwing us.  What about the people we screwed?  We can't handle what we dish out... What's wrong with us?"  And to be honest I wonder the same.  While I'm sitting here trying to figure out who I am and what I believe, the very man I don't understand is screwing people around me.

Focus intent,

Passions spent,

In all the wrong place,

Now just saving face:

Distractions.

Quite often I get upset at people who write this sort of crap on the internet.  And I realize that "crap" is most likely the least classy adjective I could have used in this situation, but it's true.  However, like Kathleen Kelly, I don't really mind if you could care less what I'm struggling with, or thinking about.  Sometimes the Void is kinder than most.

I believe we all have a Purpose that is endowed upon us by our Creator.  I Know that.  And I Know that all things work together for good to those who love Him.  But I don't know who I am.  And as I hurt the people around me who I love the most, I look Inward and ask "Who are you?"  And I hear nothing but the echo of my own words.  I Need something.  Obviously He is included in that.  But I don't know what that something is.  I pray I find it soon.  Before the damage gets worse.

I don't ask for encouragement.  But if you're reading this and you know exactly what this Feels...know that I'm here searching too.  At the very least, you're not alone.

Ism after ism,

Brand new schisms,

Satan's great Fair,

Speak if you dare:

Deep Human nature.